I can’t imagine I am going to be in three weddings in a calendar year again. I am so very thankful for the incredible men in my life who asked, of all people, me to share in one of their most intimate and memorable moments. It is a weird feeling to know one of your childhood best friends is married. Like I am deeply happy for him & his wife, but I am also just perplexed at the scale of life. How we are all on similar journeys with an infinite number of outcomes, positions, and pathways. I am so deeply grateful for these opportunities - but it is just hard for me to sleep at night knowing that some of my friends are getting married. Every single one of them, I wrote the same message on my card. “Let’s at least wait for a few years before Uncle Colin exists.” If we’re going to get married young, let’s at least wait on the little minions for a few annual periods. However, I use this as a segway into this fact of life: adult relationships are hard. Man, it has become a part-time job trying to keep up with everyone. Time, distance, life all become factors that make it ever so much harder. I cannot understate how important it is to spend time with those you love when you have close proximity. Every mile makes it marginally harder. So if you’re one of those special people in my life - I hope you know how much I appreciate those phone calls and texts. I try my best as well. But at the end of the day, we’re just two humans who happen to enjoy each other’s company - may that never cease.

I wear my cowboy blues when I start to think of you

Oh how I wish you’d see what I see

It’s just miles between me and the sky

I know somewhere the sun rises and never dies

Now all I’ve got is this East to West face

Maybe my boots should go South

But everywhere reminds me of us

Isn’t she gorgeous?

You know it when you see it. The definition of beauty, the intersection of gorgeous and elegant. She has curves that feel like you’re on a winding back road in the country. Her face is formed, one might even say sharp. But there is a softness to the edges of her looks - one, I imagine, matches her personality. When she breathes, you feel this sense of calmness come over you. When she exhales, the wind gracefully dances for as far as the eye can see. It’s the beauty you see once in a lifetime, and you can only appreciate as much as you comprehend. For if you stare too long, I fear anyone would be lost in her gaze - unable to cease. She’s comforting like the movies show her to be, but challenging in the way only a person pure of heart can be. To say it’s love would be missing the point. Love merely exists on the axes of will and want. But this, somehow, supersedes all known understanding. Love is a childish term for such a feeling that she commands. Call it amoré, whatever you would like, at least another language feels more right. I could spend forever just near her, because that would be the greatest gift one could receive. Now if you’ve spent this time reading with me, I hope you’re ready. Because I’m not just speaking of a girl, but something far more heady. Edinburgh I call her, but to understand - you’re not ready.

(Did I just trick you into reading a lengthy love letter about a city I’m infatuated with - yes. But it’s all true, every word)

Swear on my life: this is the first time I’ve ever ridden a bike

One of my big bucket list items in life was to go to the land of the posh - the UK! The dream was to meander my way throughout the entire European continent, but I am not doubting the certainty of that dream still being realized. However, I will fully appreciate my little trip! We frolicked across the plains of Scotland and danced in the streets of London. I could write an entire blog about the entirety of my trip, but know this one thing. There is something almost whimsy about being an American in the UK. It’s an actual fever dream. It is so much like our country, just the wildest bit different. The best way I have to contextualize this is their toilets. They’re bloody square. They’re the exact same that an average person will spend 92 days of their lives squatting over - but they’re SQUARE! So similar, yet so different! I truly adore that country, and I cannot wait to return. As a surprising note: the Mexican food is quite wonderful in Scotland.

What's fur ye will no go by ye

〰️

What's fur ye will no go by ye 〰️

Gone West

Most people don’t know that I was actually born in Oregon. We moved to Arkansas when I was 2 1/2, but I will forever have Redmond, OR on my Birth Certificate and hopefully my Wikipedia someday. I think others in a similar situation would share they have their weird connection to where they’re born - even if they have little to no memories of their time there. I feel like this little sliver of my heart will always be in Oregon even though I have spent such a minimal time of my life within the state’s boundaries. I’ve always dreamed of taking my own Oregon pilgrimage of sorts, envisioning myself as a modern-day settler on the Oregon Trail. Well, I did get my wish, I headed West with my trusty partner, my father (who happens to also be from Oregon). No one wants an ailing grandparent to be the reason for a trip to their birth state, but you never know when you have the chance to take a pilgrimage. As my father and I traversed the windy country roads of southern Oregon, I imagined if this, at that moment, was what I had always wanted. His tiny high school, upstaged by the smallest country store I’ve ever seen, lay away from the road but central in my rumination. As we pass the miles, passing my father’s family home, land belonging to his remaining childhood friends in the area, and the area he once called home - I think my dream came true. At least, what I now interpret to be the true dream all along. I think all this time I’ve spent wanting to take an Oregon pilgrimage wasn’t about me. Rather, I think it was allowing my father to relive such a huge part of his life. My life has been in Arkansas for as long as I can trick my brain into remembering. However, seeing him share his earliest life with me was what truly matters the most. Our home is Arkansas, but I guess, along the way, I forgot how much of his heart still lives in the Klamath Valley. So my dream came true, and now I will forever have the memory of my finally getting to understand where my dad came from. And, if I am being honest, I think it was a dream for him to show me where he was raised. I also don’t get to see my Oregon grandparents much, as the miles have prevented us from being super close. Every experience with the people you love, no matter the circumstances, is a worthwhile experience. So, for as long as my Grandparents live there and the rolling hills of southern Oregon exist - my heart will forever be nestled there.

Manic Ramblings on the Human Condition

I imagine, in a distant future, or in a spectacular science fiction novel, you can look through a magical monocle that when pointed at someone, shows their heart. And I imagine that when you point this monocle at someone, you are transported inside their heart - like a bird in a bush. As you enter, you see a beautiful hall of statues. The stained glass roof reflects in a wild array of colors, covering the floor and marble busts. As you roam, you quickly realize why this is what one’s heart truly looks like. For the statues are not purposeless, they serve the greatest purpose. Everyone represented someone loved by the one whose heart you’re exploring. Some of the statues have deteriorated, chipped, and cracked. The light reflects the best parts of each, for most. However, the light quite unflatteringly highlights the worst of other statues. This hall is all of the people, memories, experiences, love, life lessons, and problems one has ever faced. As you continue to explore, you realize some of these statues are in horrid condition - ruining the beauty of all those that surround them. In a testament to the innate human nature, you attempt to help by removing these delegated marble effigies. You quickly realize these busts are so incredibly heavy you could never move them, even with the force of 1000 men. As you become tired and rest against one of these figures, you realize maybe these statues aren’t worth moving. No matter their condition or how horrid they look when they’re spotlighted - maybe it’s just easier to leave them where they belong.

I realized this year that I seek out one very specific kind of person. They possess something you can’t teach, learn, and buy. It is something we have searched for ages for, and yet, I think it’s been right in front of us the entire time. I love people who leave their hearts open. Every time they speak, you’re not just hearing words - you’re hearing their heart. I realized this is a commonality between a lot of the people in my life, and I think I have a real knack for finding these sorts of individuals. So, if this is you, I hope you know that I have drafted you into my life for a reason. I can see your heart every time I am with you, and I wouldn’t want anyone else to be so close to my heart. So if I am giving you my heart, I hope you receive it well and return yours promptly. For if you break and burst my heart, it will forever prevent yours from pumping more than just blood.

Stretching Love through Flesh

I think every human being is simply trying to have a human experience. It is a puzzling phenomenon that we are born into our bodies, yet it takes a lifetime to grow into them. Inch by inch, we fill out through our triumphs and tribulations. And the hope is that throughout your life, you finally push your soul out to every extremity of your body. Every nerve to the very tip of your fingers and toes is filled with your essence. We make great strides during our formative years of development (aka, my euphemistic way of saying puberty). But I don’t think it is until later in life that you really stretch your skin to its full potential. You know what I think really makes you stretch: dreams. Mhm mhm mhm…. I’m gonna tell you right now, if you aren’t dreaming you aren’t living. And if you’re not living, you’re not seeing. And if you’re not seeing, you’re going to miss every little thing that makes this life special. Dreams can be literally anything, yet we all must have them. If we can’t visualize a better life, how are we supposed to see what we can become? I pray the rain comes and washes away any clouds preventing you from soaring to the skies. You deserve it. Your dreams deserve it. Everyone who is counting on you deserves it.

Sorry for the delay, putting my heart out here takes me a bit. Thank you all for reading. I deeply and sincerely mean it. I hope this small piece of my heart finds its way into yours. May we forever be connected. ILYSB.

-Colin

Anatomy of a Life (2023)