Those who lack love, have nothing at all. For it is never a waste to release the locks and open the gates and let someone into your heart, we are only the better because of it.

I always really struggle with how to start these, and I intentionally try not to re-read the previous years to force something new & unique to appear. And I am assuming as I am writing this, we’re going to roll with the very transparent & unguarded method. I deeply feel the only way to characterize this year might be: bittersweet. I believe the inflection point of the year came in early Fall. After a few months of being on a non-stimulant ADHD medicine, which I must confess is the first time in my life I’ve ever been medicated for anything. Alongside the struggles that come from having to take medicine that alters your life routinely, coupled with one that alters your brain chemistry down to the finite neurons. I just remember on my second day of Adderall, after being awake most of the night - resulting in me cleaning my kitchen at 4 AM, I burst into tears on the way to the driving range. I am not sure what spurred the event, I just recall being overwhelmed with this epiphany that I’ve never felt like “that” in my life. What does “that” feel like (for the non-ADHD folks here today).

…….

That. That is precisely what it feels like. After 24 years of life with constant Colin noise pounding in my head, song lyrics from the tune not graced upon my ears in some time, & racing thoughts. It was like the little goblin in my head finally found someone else to talk to instead of me. I don’t want to say whether it is a good or bad feeling, because I am not sure if objectively feelings can be good or bad. It was just unlike anything I’ve ever felt before. From someone who doesn’t drink, smoke, vape, or eat mustard - I don’t consume many things that force a chemical reaction in my brain. So this feeling was an initiation with the unknown, a break from my normal. & that is the key there, my normal. It was like you just installed Windows 11 on an old Linux Desktop - it's still the same computer, but it doesn’t feel like my computer. I feel like I’m relearning how to be myself if you really want me to be vulnerable here. Things, memories, thoughts - they’re now in different folders of this desktop I’m just now learning how to use. In all seriousness, I have significantly more understanding & empathy for older individuals learning new technology. It’s genuinely incomprehensible for some - because they’re so unfamiliar with it. I don’t think I’ve probably been open enough with anyone in my life at how much effort it takes some days to be myself. The things I think others greatly associated with me & my personality were direct consequences of my ADHD. The zanyness, constant peppering of questions, emotional highs - all of those came from this part of my brain, which ironically, has never functioned correctly. I’ve learned to cope with coping my way through it for such a long period - I’m still just beginning to truly comprehend all the ways my brain has made do up unto this point. You almost don’t know what to do with yourself when you don’t have to cope, because the coping is what feels comfortable. It’s like depression, you essentially make friends with the sadness & apathy - it’s almost hard to let go. If you’re on the fence about getting tested - I hope this provides you some clarity. I’m very pro-testing, as I don’t think it ever hurts to see what your life could be like. I’m very very grateful I decided to get tested, and genuinely - it’s one of the best decisions I’ve ever made. I’m not saying it’s easy - but it’s worthwhile.

From my little book.

*I wrote this down at some point this year, I found it the other day and figured I should include it.*

This was also the first time in a long time I’ve had to deal with death closely. After fighting longer than most humans realistically deserve, my grandfather succumbed to his multi-round bout with the C word. The double edged sword of the situation was someone with that much tenure in the ring knows they can’t win every fight, so too do the spectators. You know it’s coming, the matter is the timing. It felt quite evident over the final stretch, so frankly, you can slowly grieve even before someone passes. To be totally transparent, the hardest part wasn’t losing my grandfather. You don’t want anyone to suffer, especially those you love. The hardest part was watching my father grieve the loss of his father. I keep coming back to the John Mulaney joke from Baby J, about how you can abuse your grandparents dying to source attention in school. In the concluding elements of the bit, John quips about the consequences of losing one of the “important” ones as he calls it - your mother’s mother or your father’s father. I’m not him so I’m not going to paste it verbatim, but he makes a passing punchline about how your dad gets all emotional and wants to take family photos all the time. Crazily enough - I’ve been able to see it firsthand. I’m not here to air out all of my father’s business (who will promptly read this after my mother tells him about it), but it’s been very evident to me. For someone who’s always been there to emotionally support me, it’s been very hard for me to fully reciprocate that. Not that I haven’t tried or don’t care - but when I faltered he was the one to force me back up - and I’ve never had to do that for him. Just about anyone else in my life - I’ve got it, or at least I have a mental script. But it’s hard when someone I’ve hoisted to this pedestal needs me to hold up the tons of stone they normally reside upon. It’s one of those beautifully sad exchanges in life where loss creates new growth. I’m really thankful my father & I have been able to connect on this more intimate level, but you have to hate the circumstances.

The quote of the year has been, “The only difference between extraordinary & ordinary is just that little extra.” It’s mentally tattooed in my field of view and I’d get it physically tattooed if that was my thing. But I feel that quote. Not just holding it tightly & checking it frequently - but truly feeling it. Transcending from an amalgamation of words into a beta patch I’m attempting to upload to my cranium. I want to live my life in that little extra. That’s where I want my home to be. The place I feel so comfortable that I know where every creek in the floor resides.

I always admire Jehovah’s Witnesses on the street. I don’t imagine many people come and speak with them, let alone having positive exchanges. But it’s genuinely quite admirable for them to stage themselves in the same spot for essentially a full-time role for the week. Imagine spending 40 hours in front of your local bus stop just wanting to talk to strangers about something you believe in. Inside of the religious context, I’m not sure many Christians I know would attend two services on Sunday - let alone face the social anxiety of being so publicly facing. Outside of religiosity - imagine having any belief that you feel SO strongly about that you’d set up shop just to open up an exchange with someone passing by. You’re certain to face the ridicule of those who don’t feel similarly, or worse, the apathy of most faces that pass. Think about that one for a while, won’t you? What all would you be willing to stand in their shoes for? And if it’s nothing, maybe you should talk with someone who is willing to put on those shoes.

I love love. I love loving things. I love loving people. I think it’s disappointing, but more so heart-wrenching, when someone tells me they can’t think of anything they love. Nothing? There isn’t anything in the entire universe that when even the mere thought of it crosses your mind, your heart picks up pace & your pupils dilate? Nothing that makes you think, “My life is bettered by the fact I’ve found something like this?” It really does break my heart a bit when I’ve come across someone who hasn’t found any of those things yet. There is a pretty strong shared answer pool that exists, all of which are valid responses. Who am I to contrite someone’s uncontrollable admiration of something? However, I find it deeply resonating and intimate when someone can tell me about something niche they love. I like to think of these as “Heart Alleys”. The big loves of one’s life: faith, family, career, dreams - are all “Heart Roads” to me. Big guiding paths for us to drive our lives upon. But I become giddy inside when someone has a “Heart Alley” & I’m the lucky recipient of them exhibiting this. A niche article from a magazine you’ve never heard of, a specific park they spent their childhood in, the specific smell of a car freshener that takes them back to a long-loved previous family car. Hearing these things makes me feel like I love them as well - like we’re both revisiting these loves together.

I’ve been spending my holidays here in Paris, Nice, & London. Being here in London really reminds me of why I love DC so much. I’m such a human-excited person - so just being in a city with people moving really makes me deeply happy and excited. It feels like we’re all living our lives together. Even though we’re all on our same journey, I’m constantly sharing a moment or experience with a fellow human. And I think that’s a beautiful thing to bear witness to on a regular basis.

I’ve tried to pray for people more this year not just in times of serious illness or turmoil - notwithstanding the smaller opportunities to pass on a good word to the big man upstairs. When someone tells me about their dream, I try and include it that very next chance I get. I’m not sure if it means much, and I don’t usually disclose my activities to them, but I hope it helps them get ever so slightly closer to where they want to be.

Haha that’s all folks! That’s my year. Thank you so very much for reading. You’ve just received a small piece of my heart - so I hope you hold it close and keep it protected. We’re in this game of life together now. I love you so very much & I hope this year is the best yet to come for you. May you find something you’d be willing to stand on the street corner for, dive down another heart alley or two, & invite love and adventure into your heart. Thank you from the very bottom of my heart to everyone who helped make this year special. You know who you are, and in the case I never express it enough & this is the last time: thank you for being you & making me a part of your story. It is an honor & privlidge to share life together.

P.S. Here are some of my Heart Alleys if you’re interested

Mexican Fast Food Restaurants
Beautiful Bookmarks (Like the really ornate & cool ones)
All-white tennis shoes (I think I am on my 8th pair)
Daydreamer by Adele on a misty walk
This Video

With all the love one heart can muster,

Colin Keady

Colin Wrapped (2024)

Anatomy of a Life (2023)