It Had To Be Me (2022)
I am not sure how to put into words how this year has impacted me. I have lived so much life in one year, and even in one semester, that I am still fascinated by the series of events. I wanted to take this chance to give you something: a piece of my heart and soul. Below lies just that, an exploration of who I really am and the things weighing on my heart. I’ve always peddled this interest of putting the unexplainable parts of who I am into something. I have come closer to finding that something: I truly believe it is other people. So if some of my unintelligible, abstract ramblings helps you better understand who you are, this was worth it.
I still cannot believe I was able to spend the summer in Washington D.C. interning. Should you want to learn more about that, read this here. But as I continue to reflect on my time, I learned a valuable lesson that I could only appreciate after moving 1,145 miles away. It is very easy to take something for granted when you’re in the moment. You lack the perspective necessary to understand and appreciate what you have before it is gone. Frankly, there were many times in D.C. I thought to myself: “I can’t wait to be home.” And now, I miss that place like hell. It took my leaving to understand just how much I wanted to stay. I will forever be thankful to the city and the people in it; and I plan on being back there someday soon.
If I thought D.C. was going to be the experience of a lifetime, I was not prepared for what the semester had in store for me. I can only include so much, or I would write an entire freaking book with everything I have to say. Overall, I think I have a much greater grasp on what life actually is, feels like, and looks like.
All of the decisions we make in life are because of love. Love for ourselves, others, our crafts. It is the most profound feeling in the entire world. In an attempt to love myself and others more deeply, intentionally, and passionately - I took a leap of faith. I was raised in a Christian household, and it is not that I haven’t been a believer - it just hadn’t been a priority for me. And if I have learned anything from this new chapter of my life, it’s that when God comes knocking, he doesn’t give a damn about the doorbell. I had put it off and put it off, but the time finally felt right. You know when you wake up and you feel like “it’s time” even when you don’t really understand what it means? That is how I felt. Like the thing I had been interested in pursuing was finally right in front of my face, and for once, I knew I what I needed to do.
In a moment of frankness, I have a few reasons why I didn’t explore my faith earlier. I have always said that some of the very best and the very worst people I know are believers. Like anything, the bad apples leave such a sour taste it makes you re-think ever eating one again. There are parts of the faith I have and will always struggle to understand and wrestle with. But for once in my life, I felt like really facing those opinions. I have always been a deliberative person; everyone close to me will echo that about me. I always have questions and want to know more. And I knew that if I were serious about finding the Lord, I would need to give it a fair shot. I hate regret, it is the worst feeling ever. I knew that if I didn’t go all in, I was cheating myself of what could have been. So I did just that. I pulled all my walls down and said, “Let’s give this a try.” So many people in my life, whom I admire and adore, have served as role models for how I want my walk with Christ to resemble. Thank you all - because this wouldn’t have happened without you all showing me the way.
You should know that I absolutely love the John Mayer song War of My Life. Frankly, many Mayer songs exist that help explain this season of life for me. But in the song, Mayer details how he is “in the war of [his] life” and he’s got no way out. That is how I look at life. Every single day I wake up and choose to fight. Fight my demons, societal pressures, anxiety (more on this later), unreal expectations, etc etc etc, I could go on forever. Everyday represents a new chance for me to be the person I am fighting to become. I don’t always win the battle, no one does. Some days I wonder what the purpose of even fighting is. But I’ve got enough foresight to see that I am in it to win the whole damn war. Every interaction, every decision, every thought I have is a chance to be one infinitesimally small step closer to being the person I need to be. I have done a lot of fighting recently, and I won’t lie about that. I hate when people parade around and masquerade as if they have some rose-colored life. I don’t know who you are reading this, but I am talking to you honestly and authentically. I have no shame in admitting that I’ve lost many of battles, because that is life. I keep coming back to this concept of better understanding what life actually is. And that is it. I’ve got no choice but to fight until its done - because the war of my life is worth it. I will always be in a battle because life sucks sometimes, and sometimes it is incredible beyond words. Call it war visions, but I can see a day where I am still fighting - but I’m finally in the battle I’ve fought my whole life for. Covid took a lot from me, and everyone else in the world. That has also been a large battle recently. I am trying to rediscover and nurture the parts of me that were lost in those years. I am very thankful for the one person who started to pull it back out of me, and I am proud to say that I’m getting there.
I hope that detour literates the way my brain works - because it helps explain this next part. I let down my walls to let the Lord in - but then life got in the way. I will say this now - people and emotions are messy. It would be nice at times if we were all predictable robots with easily understandable emotions. News flash - it’s the exact opposite. But I have been on a bender of emotions for some time now. Some good, some not so good - but c'est la vie. While I thought these life events would force me to make a speedy U-turn in my faith - I was surprised that quite the opposite happened. Due to how cut open and hurt I was, I found comfort in my Faith for the first time in my entire life. I had grown up praying and doing all of the “expected” things just because they were expected. I had never sought a relationship out with Christ because I wanted to - and now I finally was. For the first time in my life, it wasn’t just me picking up the pieces of my battered heart and putting them back together. I found great peace in surrendering things to a higher power. I sit and reflect on conversations and moments from this year, wishing they had gone differently. Oh how I wish I could just snap my fingers and make things happen. But, you can only try so much until you question why you’re fighting. That is where I am at in the current moment. With many things in my life, I have done all I can and I just hope and pray they’re in the cards.
Two disclaimers at the point. If you aren’t a believer, I know some of this will sound a little weird. But I hope you will stick it through, because I’m talking to you and everyone else right now - regardless of your religion. The other: this article makes me sound like I’m an emotional 13 year old girl. I’m really not - it has just been a very emotional time in my life. And certain things just really bring it out of me. I have so much emotional energy at the moment, I wanted to use it for good. And the hope is this manifesto helps you in some shape or form.
“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.” - 1 Corinthians 13:4-8
I was driving to school on the day before Dead Day. I had a rough time the night before, and this morning was off to a particularly emotional start. I had read a very sweet and thoughtful message a student I mentored had written. On the car ride to school, I turned on River by Leon Bridges, one of the songs that makes me feel the spirit. At some point in the drive, between my far too loud singing, I started crying. These were not tears of sorrow and sadness, but tears of hope and happiness in such an uncertain time. It was one of those come to Jesus meetings, and like I said before: God ain’t gonna knock. It was on that drive that I felt like I was officially ready to commit myself to the Lord and my Faith journey. I analogize it with running a life-long ultra-marathon. I was ready to stop the training and actually run the damn thing. I do view my Faith as a marathon, as I just started running and came to the conclusion that the end is somewhere ahead. I don’t know where this race is going to take me, but I know I want to run like hell for the rest of my life. God found me when I least expected it. I am still shocked at how quickly it happened, frankly. But I am starting to grow into this new part of my identity, and will for the rest of my life. And hopefully continue to grow with my family someday.
I can’t explain all of the changes in my life: but they have been plentiful. I’ve held that even if God doesn’t exist and I am just wasting my time, the progress I have made is worth a lifetime of belief. Like I stated above, I came to my Faith as a way of loving deeper. I cannot articulate how much more intentional I am about some things. I have put so so so much energy and effort into forgiving and loving those around me. Some relationships have been very tough for me, but I have used this time to reflect and extend peace and forgiveness to those who deserve it. Honestly, I have been giving myself forgiveness for many things. It was placed on my heart to mend some relationships, something I thought I was going to struggle with for the rest of my life. One of these is with my mother, whom I do love and adore. We have had our differences, and for the first time in my life - I really feel connected with her. I cannot express how happy I am to have some of these weights lifted off of my shoulders. I feel so much more free and loved than I ever have been. The Lord works in mysterious ways, and I’m forever glad we finally found each other. I’m home.
Speaking of love, I cannot express how thankful I am for the people in my life. If you’re reading this, you have been so supportive and loving through everything. I know I’m a mess who has way too much emotional energy at the moment, but I appreciate you trying to help me make sense of things. The quality of your life is determined by the quality of your relationships, and you have made my life so much brighter. I know I could never tell you enough, but it really means to world to always have you in my corner. I will be eternally thankful for you influence in my life. I love you more than you will every know. I’m nothing without all of you. Thank you, again, for everything. I’m glad you’re alive.
I used to think life was predictable. I no longer hold that opinion to be true, for many reasons. It has been hard for me to wrestle with the idea that God gives you what you need, and not always want you want. So many times I have sat and thought to myself, “Why can’t it just be easy?” Genuinely. I want to know why some things have to be so damn hard for me. I have struggled with depression my entire life. It has substantially improved, and it will continue to do so. Seeing a mental health professional is on the to-do list after the new year. I can handle depression, but I have started to experience anxiety. It scared me, and still does, to my core. Laying in bed with your heart racing like a hummingbird’s wings, the world feels like it’s all coming down right on top of you, the lost sleep. It sucks. I wouldn’t wish anxiety on anyone. I have had little episodes my entire life, but I can finally understand what I was experiencing in the moment. The anxiety attacks were the death of me, for just a few days. I can’t imagine what it feels like to have that impending doom looming over your head at all hours. I still feel anxiety, I guess it is endemic in my life at this point. But I am just trying to do the best I can with the tools I have available. He gives us what we need, but not always what we want.
I was lying to myself about some things this year. Luckily, I have tried to remedy those in an attempt to curb the anxiety, but I was sternly shocked at the consequences. I see why we lie to ourselves, because the alternative is sometimes much harder to process. What is the alternative? Sometimes the truth is harder to swallow. The hardest truth of all is the fact that you need to change, not someone else. A big theme this year has been “being at peace with the things that happen in one’s life.” I can find peace in the things I have control over, but somethings are out of my control. It is the elements of one’s life they have no control over that are the hardest to be at peace with. You can fight, fuss, and cry - but sometimes only the big man upstairs can change your heart. I’m at peace with where I am, for once in my life. And I am trying my very best to be at peace with the things I can’t control. I’ve seen the change that needed to happen in my life & I can’t help but wonder what kind of impact that allows me to have on others.
I have always told people I wanted to put my heart and soul into something. Something I can pass along to my children. I hope this post gets me one step closer - because I believe the way I love others is the impact I will leave. Life isn’t about what you take with you, it’s all about what you leave behind. I hope to be the person who loves others so deeply, you can only appreciate me when I am gone. The reckless love of Christ is what I want to reflect on others. I want to be the lighthouse that helps guide people home. I am just trying to love myself, others, and you, like Jesus does. To everyone who has prayed for me and thought they wasted their time - they finally made their way on through. Thank you so very much for reading. I love you. I’m glad you’re alive. God bless.
With all my heart,
Colin Keady